Rewriting an Unconscious Love Story
Yesterday I did something that I never thought I would.
When I was 15, I thought I was in love. So many of us have been there – that first intoxicating taste of romance hitting just as our hormones blast off. A potent cocktail of sweat, sex, experimentation, and defiance.
To celebrate, I walked into a parlor, picked a heart off the wall, and had our initials permanently inked into my skin. My first tattoo.
That relationship had emotional highs and lows that rival the world's tallest rollercoaster. It burned bright – and burned out.
Afterward, friends would ask, “Are you going to have it removed?” or “Will you put someone else's initials in it?”
“Nah – it's a reminder of my past, and I have no regrets.”
That was the truth at the time.
Since then, I've experienced many relationships. The most heartful in my 20's and the most hurtful in my 40's. Opposite ends of the spectrum, illuminating both my heart and my hurt; my care and my kink. Giving me the perspective I needed to transcend.
The last relationship was a masterclass in what, deep down, I thought I deserved and was willing to tolerate. I chose to be a rescuer and abandon myself. I chose to endure conflict for the hope of what was always just over the horizon. Running on a treadmill towards a dream that never got closer.
I see this tattoo with new eyes. A knife through a heart. I realize the unconscious symbolism it represents – that love hurts. No wonder the dream never materialized; I was manifesting a deeper, unconscious idea of love.
At 15, getting it stood as a declaration of unending love.
At 45, removing it stands as a commitment to healthy, loving relationships.
I still have no regrets. Instead, I honor my past and choose to evolve beyond it.
I'm on session 1 of 6, and this process is an outward, physical representation of the changes within my heart and mind as I embody who I am, how I show up, and who I attract.
My committed choice: I do not suffer through love that hurts and feels less-than; I expand through love that heals and feels whole. In doing so, I unleash my potency to love myself, love another, and be loved. And so it is.